I need to preface this post by saying the thought of dating again makes me want to vomit! I thought I was done with the nonsense of "Dating" and would spend the rest of my days looking forward to "Date Nights" and quiet loving moments... but that wasn't quite the way it worked out, so here I go... back out into the "Pool"...
Also, you need to remember that the last time I went on a "Date", there were no Blackberries or iPhones, internet dating was something you would NEVER admit you looked into or heaven forbid met someone through, and there was no such thing as Match.com, eHarmony, or Kettle of Fish (or whatever it is called). I like to think I am fairly young and hip, but some of these things were overwhelming and I still don't fully understand the concept of "Speed Dating". Where does a 30-something single mother of 2 little boys go to find a possible love match?
After about 18 months of finding me and focusing on getting the boys and I adjusted to our "new normal", I had the great idea that it would be really nice to have dinner with an adult of the opposite sex who wasn't related to me. I thought, how hard can it be? I live in Toronto with 3 million other people... some of them must be single...
I first thought of my circles of friends in the city... in my neighbourhood almost all of my friends are happily married. I am also one of the youngest in my group of "Mommy Friends". Not too many prospects jumped out at me. I then thought of my work friends... but I had the opposite reality... I am one of the oldest in my group of "Work Girls", and lots of them are married or in long-term committed relationships... I couldn't wrap my head around going out for dinner with a 20-something who quite possibly still lives with his parents.
So, one evening while the boys were at their dad's and after maybe one too many adult beverages, a girlfriend and I got the bright idea that I should try internet dating!! We have all seen the commercials that show how successful eHarmony and Match.com are! Surely there was someone there for me... a couple of clicks on the old keyboard and I would be experiencing adult conversation in no time! Easy Peasy!!! We thought that eHarmony was the way to go, so after spending about 45 minutes creating a stellar profile the website told me I wasn't eligible because I was only "separated", not "divorced". Why couldn't they say that at the beginning when they asked me to tick the box? I worried we would be able to remember all of the wonderful things we had said about me (partly because the process is extremely long, and partly because of the aforementioned adult beverages!!). But... we said "The heck with you eHarmony", and decided that Match.com would be the next best.
Again we created a stellar profile (or so we thought), found a couple of pictures that were relatively recent, and sat back and waited for the matches to roll in!! I should have seen the writing on the wall when one of my first matches was with a man of authority in my very own office!! I couldn't look at him the same again!!
The next day ~ when I realised we had actually set me up on a DATING SITE!!!! ~ I checked my profile and found I had a few messages... of them, 2 looked promising. One was a single dad from London Ontario who was working in Toronto during the week. Sounded good!! Older than me, stable job, has kids... this could work. We texted and emailed for a bit, and then decided to meet for dinner. I chose a place that was easy for me to make my escape from and off we went.
"Sweatervest David" was a very sweet man. He wasn't as tall as he said, which is OK, because I am not tall either, he was a little heavier than he said, but I may have been too... he seemed very excited to meet me, so it seemed to be going great.
He is called "Sweatervest David" because for the whole evening I could only picture him in a sweatervest by a fire, drinking hot cocoa while reading the Sunday newspaper, not the kind of man who usually gets me fired up. Drinks and appetisers came, and then the evening started to turn...
Don't get me wrong... I love kids, I love being a mom, and I am so super happy that I get to be the mom to the two I have. BUT... I don't think the first date, hell, the first meeting with someone, is the time to discuss having more kids. Or telling your date that you want to have kids with them, although it had been a while since I was "out there", maybe this is the norm now... everything else seems sped up, so why not "hi, nice to meet you, you are cute, let's have a baby". The conversation kept coming back to the herd of children he wanted to have, even though he already had 3, I have two and I am pretty sure my baby cooking days are over. I tried and tried to steer it in other directions, I even tried to talk about politics and religion... anything to get him off babies. Needless to say I didn't order dessert.
I wish Sweatervest David nothing but the best... I hope he finds the baby-maker he desires and that they litter the world with little sweatervest wearing wee ones.
OK, first try at being "hip" and dating online was a big bust. No one can call me a quitter, so I thought I should give it another try. I should have know better...
The date with "Creepy Steven" started off innocently enough. I was going to meet him outside of his building downtown. We were supposed to be going out for "The Best Thai Food In The City" according to him. He lives just off of Yonge, so I figured maybe he was right. I don't really like spicy, but I can usually find something in a Thai place that works for me. Oh naive Dianne...
So I showed up outside of his building. He recognised me right away... I had a bit of trouble. He wasn't 5'11", he wasn't "buff", and if he was 38 I am 23!! We walked to a Thai place on Yonge. As we walked I was already planning my escape. We entered into this dark and spooky looking restaurant, but a couple of my favourite places are dark and spooky until you get in and get eating, so I kept an open mind. I should have known when my shoes stuck to the floor that it wasn't a good sign. There was a buffet counter. I am pretty sure some of the dishes were still alive, things were moving in the "special sauces". I ordered a mango salad and a bottle of water. The thought of having someone there make me a drink was enough to turn my stomach. We sat at a sticky table and he started to stuff his face. I have never seen a little man eat so much, although quite a bit seemed to land on his face, his lap and the table. I was beginning to understand why the table was sticky. Between the grunts and slurps conversation was non-existent, which was fine by me... my escape plan was becoming solidified with each burp.
After lunch we walked back towards his building. He invited me up, I said no. He said let's have dinner, I said I couldn't. He said "let's stop at this patio and have a drink"... I have never needed a drink so badly, and he was still between me and my car. We sat on the patio, and when he got up, moved to beside me and started to try to get a little "fresh" I did something I have never done before... I went into the bathroom and called my lifeline!!
I called a girlfriend (who knew where I was and what I was doing) and told her to call me in 10 minutes with a "Real Estate Emergency". Luckily I had told him about clients that I had who were getting ready to put in an offer. God love her, she called 8 minutes later! She was peeing her pants on the other end of the phone as I explained that if we were going to put in the offer today I would have to get to my office right now, and although it may be difficult for me to get out of what I was doing, I would head back to the office to draw up the paperwork. I am surprised he couldn't hear her laughing. I actually said "are you sure you want to do it today", just to make it more believable. I lied through my teeth. Thank God he didn't know me, because I am probably the worst liar out there. I stink at poker, I show all of my emotions, and do every "tell" in the book, usually all at once. He tried to talk me out of leaving, I told him I had to because it was work and I couldn't let my clients down. He walked me to my car, and I peeled out of there... the KIA actually left marks on the road. I called my girlfriend on the way home and she was still laughing! Seriously.
I wish "Creepy Steven" nothing but happiness. I hope his comic book business takes off and that he enjoys every "siesta in the sun" he experiences. But I can tell you none of the siestas will be happening with me!!
So, after the two experiences I had I have some wise words... don't lie on your profile... I am going to be able to tell you are old, short (if I can look you directly in the eye, you aren't 5'11"!!) and out of shape. Always have an escape plan, and have good friends in your corner. The whole concept of meeting somewhere neutral is very true and important. NEVER give out your actual address, and NEVER sign up for online dating when you have been drinking!!
That was last summer. It has been pretty quiet on the old dating front since then. If I wasn't gun shy before I sure as heck am now. With everything that has happened as of late, I decided that I was in no rush to meet someone else. But, I am sure in a city of 3 million there is some man who I can have an adult conversation with, who isn't related to me. Someone who likes kids, but doesn't necessarily want more, someone who is taller than 5'4", and someone who has basic table manners. I think that is a good starting point... my list of "perfect mate qualities" is actually quite long, and I won't settle for less than the best person for me, but those few traits will at least get you through the door so to speak. I did think I was close to finding a good fit not too long ago, but that is a whole different story.
I don't think I am in a hurry to go back to trying to find him online... I think I will go back to the good old fashioned "bar scene"... how bad could that be?!?! :)
My Happy Place
Two of my favourite things...
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
Where to Start??
Where to start? That was the question I kept asking myself. I went from a fairly content married stay-at-home mom, to a single mom in need of a job and some way to support the boys and I. I also knew I needed to start telling people... it wasn't something we were going to be able to hide when his car wasn't in the driveway anymore.
I tackled the job first. I had just finished the courses to be a Realtor, so I knew that I could get some kind of job in that field. I had talked to the People Resources manager at one brokerage about being an agent, had even gone and interviewed with a team... this was before he left... I decided she would be a good place to start.
I called her and explained what was happening. I decided that even if the "team" thing couldn't work out, and I couldn't be an agent in my own right (I needed money coming in NOW, not in 3 or 4 months!!) she would maybe have some suggestions. This was a great lesson in how amazing strangers can be. She listened quietly and then told me she was going to make some calls and would call me back later that afternoon. She also said how sorry she was. This was a phrase I discovered I would hear A LOT over the next few months.
About 2 hours later she called me back and told me she had something for me. A Team Leader was looking for an "Office Administrator" and she thought it would be perfect for me. She knew I couldn't commit to full time, but also knew I was hungry to get into the business and wanted to do whatever I could to get some kind of money coming in. She put me in touch with "Alfred" (not his real name), I met with him, didn't say I was about be become "separated", and we hashed out a deal. Within a matter of hours I was employed!!! It was a huge relief, I finally felt like I was taking some steps in the right direction. I started my new job the following week.
Then it hit me... Bennett was only in school 1/2 days!! I needed to find somewhere for him to go in the afternoons! I sent out some emails, called some friends and as the stars seemed to be aligning all around me, I found a family who wanted to "nanny share"... I really wanted to be able to pick the boys up when Max was done school to try to lessen the disruptions to their little lives. Another step in the right direction! I set my schedule with "Alfred" so that I could drop the boys off at school, and then pick both up at the school at 3:30. I look back now and realize that these were all signs that the right thing was happening.
Job - CHECK!!
Next hurdle... How do you tell your friends and family? I didn't think anyone knew we were having some issues, I though I hid everything very well. I thought that we looked like the perfect family. I decided family first. My mom knew... she knew everything... she could see it in my eyes, hear it in my voice and sense it in my behaviour. I called my brother and told him that we needed to meet at Mom and Dad's. I needed to get out of the city, I needed to do it alone. The boys stayed with their dad, I went home. Around the dinner table that we had shared so many laughs, family meals, Christmas dinners, and life moments, I told my family about the latest "life moment". I was amazed at how strong they all were. I kept hearing "we will get through this together". I didn't quite know what the "this" was, all I knew was that he was leaving and I needed them. They were there. I slept better that night than I had in months. I pulled up the bootstraps the next day and drove back to where I lived, it wasn't "home".
We agreed that we wouldn't make any big announcements, aside from telling the boys teachers. I decided I wasn't going to lie, or hide anything. I had had enough of that! If someone asked how I was doing I was going to tell them dammit! It started slowly, but living in a neighbourhood like mine, it didn't take long for the word to get out. There was a wide range of reactions, from friends offering to come and stay with the boys and I, to people who I thought were friends totally distancing themselves from me. I wasn't good with the sympathy, it hurt too much and made me feel small. The friends pulling away was almost easier to deal with. I knew where they stood and didn't like they felt sorry for or pitied me. I didn't realize at the time that some of my closest friends were actually standing in awe of what I was going through and who I was becoming.
My ex moved out a month after we made the decision that he would leave, and within about 2 months everyone in our neighbourhood who knew us knew. It took a bit longer for the word to trickle out past the borders of Leaside, but not too much longer. I am thankful that it took a bit of time, my New Normal independent legs had a bit of time to grow some muscles.
It took me about a year to be able to say "I'm separated" without having a twinge of guilt or shame. There is no shame. There should be no guilt. I did what I could to save my marriage, and what I knew I needed to do make sure the boys and I adjusted to our New Normal.
Now, 2 years + later I am very confident in my "re-singled" status. I am not ashamed to admit that my marriage didn't work out. My ex and I are still navigating our roles in each others lives, we will always be tied together because of the two amazing beings we brought into this world, but we both know that we can't be married anymore.
I am proud of who I am growing into. I am confident in the woman I am. I have gone from a glorified assistant to a woman who is working on making a name for myself in a very tough business. I am no longer working with "Alfred", I will forever be grateful for the lessons I learnt while working with him, and as I say to friends "it has made me a better agent". I finally feel like it is MY time to shine, and I want to continue to be an inspiration to the people who know my story and who have watched me go through it. I am so incredibly lucky to have the people in my corner that I do, and know that I have a huge wave of love and support behind me and I am at a place where I can ask for it when I need it without the shame. I don't see pity in people's eyes anymore, it has been replaced by admiration and love. That is one of the best results of this New Normal I find myself in.
I tackled the job first. I had just finished the courses to be a Realtor, so I knew that I could get some kind of job in that field. I had talked to the People Resources manager at one brokerage about being an agent, had even gone and interviewed with a team... this was before he left... I decided she would be a good place to start.
I called her and explained what was happening. I decided that even if the "team" thing couldn't work out, and I couldn't be an agent in my own right (I needed money coming in NOW, not in 3 or 4 months!!) she would maybe have some suggestions. This was a great lesson in how amazing strangers can be. She listened quietly and then told me she was going to make some calls and would call me back later that afternoon. She also said how sorry she was. This was a phrase I discovered I would hear A LOT over the next few months.
About 2 hours later she called me back and told me she had something for me. A Team Leader was looking for an "Office Administrator" and she thought it would be perfect for me. She knew I couldn't commit to full time, but also knew I was hungry to get into the business and wanted to do whatever I could to get some kind of money coming in. She put me in touch with "Alfred" (not his real name), I met with him, didn't say I was about be become "separated", and we hashed out a deal. Within a matter of hours I was employed!!! It was a huge relief, I finally felt like I was taking some steps in the right direction. I started my new job the following week.
Then it hit me... Bennett was only in school 1/2 days!! I needed to find somewhere for him to go in the afternoons! I sent out some emails, called some friends and as the stars seemed to be aligning all around me, I found a family who wanted to "nanny share"... I really wanted to be able to pick the boys up when Max was done school to try to lessen the disruptions to their little lives. Another step in the right direction! I set my schedule with "Alfred" so that I could drop the boys off at school, and then pick both up at the school at 3:30. I look back now and realize that these were all signs that the right thing was happening.
Job - CHECK!!
Next hurdle... How do you tell your friends and family? I didn't think anyone knew we were having some issues, I though I hid everything very well. I thought that we looked like the perfect family. I decided family first. My mom knew... she knew everything... she could see it in my eyes, hear it in my voice and sense it in my behaviour. I called my brother and told him that we needed to meet at Mom and Dad's. I needed to get out of the city, I needed to do it alone. The boys stayed with their dad, I went home. Around the dinner table that we had shared so many laughs, family meals, Christmas dinners, and life moments, I told my family about the latest "life moment". I was amazed at how strong they all were. I kept hearing "we will get through this together". I didn't quite know what the "this" was, all I knew was that he was leaving and I needed them. They were there. I slept better that night than I had in months. I pulled up the bootstraps the next day and drove back to where I lived, it wasn't "home".
We agreed that we wouldn't make any big announcements, aside from telling the boys teachers. I decided I wasn't going to lie, or hide anything. I had had enough of that! If someone asked how I was doing I was going to tell them dammit! It started slowly, but living in a neighbourhood like mine, it didn't take long for the word to get out. There was a wide range of reactions, from friends offering to come and stay with the boys and I, to people who I thought were friends totally distancing themselves from me. I wasn't good with the sympathy, it hurt too much and made me feel small. The friends pulling away was almost easier to deal with. I knew where they stood and didn't like they felt sorry for or pitied me. I didn't realize at the time that some of my closest friends were actually standing in awe of what I was going through and who I was becoming.
My ex moved out a month after we made the decision that he would leave, and within about 2 months everyone in our neighbourhood who knew us knew. It took a bit longer for the word to trickle out past the borders of Leaside, but not too much longer. I am thankful that it took a bit of time, my New Normal independent legs had a bit of time to grow some muscles.
It took me about a year to be able to say "I'm separated" without having a twinge of guilt or shame. There is no shame. There should be no guilt. I did what I could to save my marriage, and what I knew I needed to do make sure the boys and I adjusted to our New Normal.
Now, 2 years + later I am very confident in my "re-singled" status. I am not ashamed to admit that my marriage didn't work out. My ex and I are still navigating our roles in each others lives, we will always be tied together because of the two amazing beings we brought into this world, but we both know that we can't be married anymore.
I am proud of who I am growing into. I am confident in the woman I am. I have gone from a glorified assistant to a woman who is working on making a name for myself in a very tough business. I am no longer working with "Alfred", I will forever be grateful for the lessons I learnt while working with him, and as I say to friends "it has made me a better agent". I finally feel like it is MY time to shine, and I want to continue to be an inspiration to the people who know my story and who have watched me go through it. I am so incredibly lucky to have the people in my corner that I do, and know that I have a huge wave of love and support behind me and I am at a place where I can ask for it when I need it without the shame. I don't see pity in people's eyes anymore, it has been replaced by admiration and love. That is one of the best results of this New Normal I find myself in.
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