Where to start? That was the question I kept asking myself. I went from a fairly content married stay-at-home mom, to a single mom in need of a job and some way to support the boys and I. I also knew I needed to start telling people... it wasn't something we were going to be able to hide when his car wasn't in the driveway anymore.
I tackled the job first. I had just finished the courses to be a Realtor, so I knew that I could get some kind of job in that field. I had talked to the People Resources manager at one brokerage about being an agent, had even gone and interviewed with a team... this was before he left... I decided she would be a good place to start.
I called her and explained what was happening. I decided that even if the "team" thing couldn't work out, and I couldn't be an agent in my own right (I needed money coming in NOW, not in 3 or 4 months!!) she would maybe have some suggestions. This was a great lesson in how amazing strangers can be. She listened quietly and then told me she was going to make some calls and would call me back later that afternoon. She also said how sorry she was. This was a phrase I discovered I would hear A LOT over the next few months.
About 2 hours later she called me back and told me she had something for me. A Team Leader was looking for an "Office Administrator" and she thought it would be perfect for me. She knew I couldn't commit to full time, but also knew I was hungry to get into the business and wanted to do whatever I could to get some kind of money coming in. She put me in touch with "Alfred" (not his real name), I met with him, didn't say I was about be become "separated", and we hashed out a deal. Within a matter of hours I was employed!!! It was a huge relief, I finally felt like I was taking some steps in the right direction. I started my new job the following week.
Then it hit me... Bennett was only in school 1/2 days!! I needed to find somewhere for him to go in the afternoons! I sent out some emails, called some friends and as the stars seemed to be aligning all around me, I found a family who wanted to "nanny share"... I really wanted to be able to pick the boys up when Max was done school to try to lessen the disruptions to their little lives. Another step in the right direction! I set my schedule with "Alfred" so that I could drop the boys off at school, and then pick both up at the school at 3:30. I look back now and realize that these were all signs that the right thing was happening.
Job - CHECK!!
Next hurdle... How do you tell your friends and family? I didn't think anyone knew we were having some issues, I though I hid everything very well. I thought that we looked like the perfect family. I decided family first. My mom knew... she knew everything... she could see it in my eyes, hear it in my voice and sense it in my behaviour. I called my brother and told him that we needed to meet at Mom and Dad's. I needed to get out of the city, I needed to do it alone. The boys stayed with their dad, I went home. Around the dinner table that we had shared so many laughs, family meals, Christmas dinners, and life moments, I told my family about the latest "life moment". I was amazed at how strong they all were. I kept hearing "we will get through this together". I didn't quite know what the "this" was, all I knew was that he was leaving and I needed them. They were there. I slept better that night than I had in months. I pulled up the bootstraps the next day and drove back to where I lived, it wasn't "home".
We agreed that we wouldn't make any big announcements, aside from telling the boys teachers. I decided I wasn't going to lie, or hide anything. I had had enough of that! If someone asked how I was doing I was going to tell them dammit! It started slowly, but living in a neighbourhood like mine, it didn't take long for the word to get out. There was a wide range of reactions, from friends offering to come and stay with the boys and I, to people who I thought were friends totally distancing themselves from me. I wasn't good with the sympathy, it hurt too much and made me feel small. The friends pulling away was almost easier to deal with. I knew where they stood and didn't like they felt sorry for or pitied me. I didn't realize at the time that some of my closest friends were actually standing in awe of what I was going through and who I was becoming.
My ex moved out a month after we made the decision that he would leave, and within about 2 months everyone in our neighbourhood who knew us knew. It took a bit longer for the word to trickle out past the borders of Leaside, but not too much longer. I am thankful that it took a bit of time, my New Normal independent legs had a bit of time to grow some muscles.
It took me about a year to be able to say "I'm separated" without having a twinge of guilt or shame. There is no shame. There should be no guilt. I did what I could to save my marriage, and what I knew I needed to do make sure the boys and I adjusted to our New Normal.
Now, 2 years + later I am very confident in my "re-singled" status. I am not ashamed to admit that my marriage didn't work out. My ex and I are still navigating our roles in each others lives, we will always be tied together because of the two amazing beings we brought into this world, but we both know that we can't be married anymore.
I am proud of who I am growing into. I am confident in the woman I am. I have gone from a glorified assistant to a woman who is working on making a name for myself in a very tough business. I am no longer working with "Alfred", I will forever be grateful for the lessons I learnt while working with him, and as I say to friends "it has made me a better agent". I finally feel like it is MY time to shine, and I want to continue to be an inspiration to the people who know my story and who have watched me go through it. I am so incredibly lucky to have the people in my corner that I do, and know that I have a huge wave of love and support behind me and I am at a place where I can ask for it when I need it without the shame. I don't see pity in people's eyes anymore, it has been replaced by admiration and love. That is one of the best results of this New Normal I find myself in.
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